A hobo comes up to
the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps
gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the
hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something
to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by
supplying goods for people. I've never given anything
away for nothing. However, if you go around the back,
you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush.
If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again
knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already?
Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your
meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's
something that I think you should know. It's not a
Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
This is why I didn't
show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's
grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his
home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me
to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the
contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second
bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check
the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down
the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check
the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the
fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down
the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next,
and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the
glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink
with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with
one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks
with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by
I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in
one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I
couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell
her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do
that after climbing the basement steps the next time
they come by.
Junior had just
received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate,
the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed
into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately
headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly
minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a
change of scenery after all those months of sitting in
the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said
the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's
reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of
your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing
to me for sixteen years."
Two old ladies have
played bridge together for many years, and naturally
they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One
day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up
at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other
for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't
bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name
again, dear?" There is dead silence for a couple of
minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you
need to know?"
You know there are
starving people in those third world countries, and
you're just wasting that food. Then package it up and
ship it to 'em if you're so concerned you dumb shit!
A man went to apply
for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he
waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all
his applications and said, "We have an opening for
people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
The widow takes a
look at her dear departed one right before the funeral
and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit.
She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she
wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it
especially for that occasion, and she was distressed
that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit
he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue
suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The
undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two
until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't
possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic
to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the
coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment
later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented
the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She
especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her
husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director
said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was
another body in the back room and he was already dressed
in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
A cowboy rode into
town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers,
which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his
horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above
his head without even looking and fired a shot into the
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he
yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse
ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do
what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what
I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The
bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The
cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A guy sticks his head
in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get
a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the
same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long
before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The
guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head
in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a
haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says,
"About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber
looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill,
follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little
while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go
when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your
A man walked into the
office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and
sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he
started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man,"
replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes,
well, you see, I've got this problem," the man
continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A
large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I
don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly.
"Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no,
Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Once there was a millionaire, who
collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in
back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a
beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party,
and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I
have a proposition to every man here. I will give one
million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge
unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there
was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in
the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd
began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other
side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was
incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done!
Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches
his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money!
And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who
pushed me in the pool!"
The teacher of the Earth Science
class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class
explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and
minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his
students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15
minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the
confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be
eating alone, sir."
Two women that are dog owners are
arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My
dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper
boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and
brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman
: "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
A woman in Brooklyn decided to
prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told
her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted
to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?"
asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit
me twice a week."
There was a boy who worked in the
produce section of a super market. A man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager
and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is
some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head
of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned
around to find the man standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the
other half." The manager okayed the request and the man
went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy,
"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier,
but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out
of it. You think on your feet and we like that around
here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied,
"Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave
Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied,
"They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The
boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play
A man went to a pet shop and
bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and
tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but
instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours
of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you
don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer
as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man
put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the
parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man
took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I
promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that
A man is walking down the street
and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog
pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The
man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it
would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I
wouldn't get the cool siren."
On Christmas morning a cop on
horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him
is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid,
"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop
then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before
the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring
the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid
says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A popular airline recently
introduced a special half rate fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting
great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the
wives of businessmen who had used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still
pouring in asking, "What trip?"
A man and his wife are driving
down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says
to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The
man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The
mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were
speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."
"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up,
just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well,
since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag
on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man
replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife
yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date
for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his
wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own
business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's
side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to
you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's
A priest walked into a barber shop
in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked
how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I
consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning,
the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books
and a thank you note from the priest in front of the
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his
hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber
said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the
community." The next morning, he came to work and there
were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was
done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No
charge. I consider it a service to the country." The
next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12
Senators in front of the door.
One day these two fine southern
ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced
tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other
woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look
at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To
which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's
real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last
month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The
second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real
nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy
you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the
second woman responds, "When we first got married he did
send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the
first woman asks. To which the second fine southern
woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told
me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the
trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't
give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real